Tough situation happens when you least expected. You’ll never know till it hits you. When it happened to me,  I used to ask a lot of questions on why I am chosen instead of some other people to go through the test. Is it because of my immaturity level that lures me into wrong decision-making that turns the entire situation into a mess? So, what if you made the wrong choice and you’re made to go through the tough test?

Looking at the other perspective, there is no right or wrong decision; it’s just that different decision gives you different outcome and hence, you need to be ready to face or weigh whatever outcome given as a result of your choice made. Just because the outcome didn’t turn out as how we expected, and we conclude that it’s a wrong decision made. If we’re tough enough to face it, we’ll take the initiative to fix the mess one step at a time, and forget about the rubbish that we’d got into, while cursing and swearing at ourselves would still go on on why we did such a stupid move in the first place. Then….at times, I would also say “What is fair? Nothing is fair!”. Do you know that one incident is capable of changing your entire life?

Claiming my rights on what is fair and what is not…is not gonna bring me anywhere but further makes me feel miserable while others could just easily move on. I stopped all the flying questions in my head immediately and moved on…. “Who, why, when, how?” I don’t wanna know. Because the more I build the hatred to go through it, the more I’ll have to face it. No one is gonna give me the damn mercy. It was tough and I wasn’t even sure when it would end…history repeated on its own every night in my dream and left me with tears. I’d kept this for years and I’ve never wanna open up.

…and when I finally realized I have no tears left for circumstance like this, or too immuned that left me speechless, that’s when I’m blessed to see the good ending I always wanted to see. Honestly, it didn’t happen in a month, or a year, but years. It took years (like just a week ago)…when I’ve finally learned my lesson. Lesson that the God thinks that I’ve fully mastered and passed the test.

When it happened at the moment I least expected , I couldn’t remember the questions I once asked: “Who, why, when, how?” In my heart, I’m actually smiling to myself and put thumbs up that I did it. Secretly, I’m whispering to myself: “No one could’ve enjoy that feeling as much as I do”.

It’s an interesting night today and I should write down some of my thoughts tonight before hitting the bed. By the way, it’s 1.54am right now.

I’ve just watched an interesting movie, which my housemate has strongly recommended. It’s call the “Under the Tuscan Sun” starring Diane Lane. I bet anyone could google about the movie synopsis without me regurgitating all over here. The life of this woman in this movie is somehow coincides with my present life that I could easily imagine myself in this movie.

The best quote in this movie that keeps running in my head that I can’t wait to blog about it is..”They say they built the train tracks over the Alps before there was a train that could make the trip. They built it anyway. They knew one day the train would come.”

Falling in love is always a wonderful thing. The entire process is amazing. You can’t stop thinking about him - day and night. You wish he’s just right next to you whenever you miss him, so that you could throw yourself to him in no time. When you’re in love, you’re capable of doing anything ’stupid’ just to get him noticed. Love sparks when he feels the same way too.

….when it comes to an end, you’ll wonder why or how you’ve come this far and carefully weighing the amount of ’stupid’ things you’ve done just to get the love going when you were in love. You would be like…”Wow, did I do that? It’s crazy!” You find it so hard to move on, especially now when your heart is empty filling with no one. It’s like…you wanna love someone, but you just don’t know who and how. Two Options: Would you wanna hunt for someone just for the sake of filling up your empty heart or would you wanna wait till the best man appears? This feeling is indescribable.  I know I deserve someone better although no one is perfect. That’s the only reason my heart is only open for someone who deserves to read and understand me. He would be someone who hv what it takes to get to know me even it requires time, just like how I take my time. Not just anyone.

Hence, your entire life is not just about evolving around love relationship. I shift my focus to improve my the other side of personal life. I am learning ways to appreciate the finest surroundings in my life: Enhancing lifestyle quality with a proper balance of work and after-work, a nice workout and meal after a long hard-day, a nice home to live in, appreciating friends who’re worthy of my time and have always been there for me, giving all my love to myself, family and friends and most of all…. living my life to the fullest! So, who else is capable of hurting myself except myself who is in control of my life? Again, why would I wanna hurt myself when I’ve come this far to build a firm foundation to stand on?

After all, I don’t have to be eager to develop a love relationship, just to complete my life for now when he isn’t here yet. Why should I feel miserable when I have an option to keep my “childish innocence”?  ..”They say they built the train tracks over the Alps before there was a train that could make the trip. They built it anyway. They knew one day the train would come.” - Under the Tuscan Sun. I love this movie. I really do.

I am losing my focus. I am having a troubled mind lately. Sleep is the only solution to stop me from thinking. To get me to sleep is also tough if my ipod is not with me. Else, I’ll be watching TV or having meals while the emotion wheels keep running in my head.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. How did I end up in this trap?